Heres DROP #2! Thank you all so much for sticking with me - .. (OnlyFans)

Heres DROP #2! Thank you all so much for sticking with me - It keeps me alive.

WARNING: this series contains subject matter
pertaining to mental illness, obsessive thoughts, suicidal ideations and other related content: IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS STRUGGLING WITH MENTAL ILLNESS OR SUICIDE PLEASE CALL 1-800-273-8255 or got to https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org for more information or help.

When we have obsessive negative thoughts it can quickly bring us down into a cycle of depression or exacerbate anxiety. It can lead us to having tunnel vision where the only thing that we can see  is our obsessive thoughts, permeating our body with stress peptides and causing us to not be focused on the present or what is important. Obsessive thoughts can be, and often are,  detrimental to our health and well being.

But obsessive negative thoughts are just that: thoughts. They are our brains' way  of attempting to process emotions like  fear, trauma, grief, and stress. 

Many conditions, like  PTSD, create neural pathways in our minds so that when we are  obsessive, a literal chemical bridge is made to trigger a  fight or
flight response. {remember the4 f’s: Fight (acting out), Flight(avoidance), Freeze (inaction), and Fawn(people pleasing)}

For example, if you are in a car wreck and a song is playing when it happens, and every time you hear that song you re-experience or re-live the trauma , you create a pathway from the stimulus to a trauma response. 

Obsessive negative thoughts (in this scenario) may lead you to be afraid to drive. You may start to fear being in a car when other people are driving. You may think about co-workers, family members, or loved ones who may be in danger when driving. You find yourself thinking about what could happen if people you love are driving even when it's not warranted or even appropriate to do so. You may start changing the way that you work or act, or how you go and see your family just to avoid any of those types of situations. You may find yourself treating people differently, or excessively asking them about their driving habits, and telling them how you think they should be driving in case "something goes wrong".

You should always seek professional help in order to start down a path of healing when it comes to obsessive negative thoughts. There are many ways to help you process and deal with obsessive negative thoughts, and having professional guidance  
is both helpful and cool 😎😎😎 you should never be made to feel bad about seeking therapy or
taking medication.

One technique utilized is called mindfulness. Processing the present. Being aware of your state and triggers and how to process  them (you can find lots of resources online for this!!!) 

One way I process obsessive negative thinking is through art. At one point in my life I met someone who had obsessive negative thoughts and referred to them as "the bad thoughts". The statement was always "that's just the bad thoughts talking - don't listen to them" or "I can't let the bad thoughts bring me down today", "I don't listen to the bad thoughts". 

Very recently I experienced an extreme trauma that propelled me back into a cyclical dungeon of "the bad thoughts". I was left in my mind, in a negative thought spiral, constantly swimming -  attempting to find something that  could make me break out of what I often referred to as "brain lightning". I suffered a loss and grief and lost people I thought I'd never  lose . 

They "left me with the bad thoughts" after they told me
they never would. 

Sometimes it's hard to break ourselves out of negative cognitive behavioral conditioning; the act of creating neural pathways over time, associated with one stimulus or another. C B T is a useful tool for healing when used properly, but that the brain does it on its own in trauma. For instance, if you are in a very toxic relationship and you find yourself being abused, when you get out of that relationship the abuse does not magically disappear. It can be carried with you unless you take mitigating steps.

That being said, there is absolutely a light at the end of the tunnel. It's a lot of work sometimes but it is absolutely worth it. There's always something to try and that's the important part. Speaking from my personal  experience, the worst part is always being deep in the middle of it. The part where people do not understand why it is that you can't "stop thinking bad thoughts". Harder still is when people who do not understand or have not experienced severe trauma. Sometimes they can't understand why you “just can't get better". Sometimes they don't understand why you act the way you do, or why you are triggered by the things you're triggered by. It's not to say that they are bad, just that they have no experience with it, and no  understanding about what it means to be traumatized or to have negative cognitive behavioral conditioning from  negative obsessive thoughts.

That being said… The day that you decide that you want to change your life and release yourself from negative obsessive thoughts is a good day and a day when you can take a step forward in order to process those thoughts or to seek help of some kind.

I'm not going to lie… I still fight every day being "left with my bad thoughts". Even after all the work I've done over all these years, and all the advocation - I still have found a way to plunge myself back into a place I thought i’d left behind from old traumas,  and I am absolutely grateful for the people and the resources I have around me in those times when I can't break the cycle or I am constantly being re-triggered when I am out in public even at safe events surrounded by people I love  - even when around some I don't. Having to live around something that destroys you mentally is a silent sword in the hearts of many.

I suppose in making this art I am not being silent. That's the point, I guess. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Sometimes I get scared to reveal so much but I honestly want to connect with people, educate them, and find constructive and healing ways to deal with pain.

I hope this conversation has educated, or at the least  interested you in some way . If you've made it this far, I appreciate you. If you have a story that you'd like to share please feel free to message me privately at info@suzyspecter.com or on my OnLy FeRns @suzyspecter

Know that if you suffer from obsessive thoughts or PTSD or any other form of mental illness, you are not alone, you are not "a pre-existing condition", and you are not only defined by your challenges. 

I hope that wherever you go, and whatever you do, that you dance, even if it's just in your heart.

Be kind and DRINK SOME WATER O_o