So to be honest, I feel like I'm a lil caterpillar in a coco.. (OnlyFans)

So to be honest, I feel like I'm a lil caterpillar in a cocoon. I tend to be introverted (which may surprise people because I can be very *seemingly* extroverted, open, and even bubbly at times, online) - but the past couple of weeks have been even more so - leaning into introversion, I mean. Which isn't really conducive to my work or presence here. As much as I want to just... crawl out of this space and be on the 'other side,' I know I am being called to do some major inner work through my grief. The loss of Bella has unraveled me - in a messy, human, beautiful way. So I'm leaning in. And when I am in deep healing and transformation, I have a hard time revealing myself, like, at all. I think it comes back to learning how to take space, so I can then better hold space for others, coupled with a deep *need* to feel safe. I feel pretty damn fragile at the moment. I'm sure many of you can relate, at least somewhat, to what I'm saying here.

I am taking it day by day. Soon, I will need to prioritize some needed structure for myself (especially within work). But I'm trying to be kind to my needs -- even if that feels like betrayal to what I've built in my work so far. Releasing guilt about THAT - is a whole other topic.

Some of you have shared your own experiences with grief. And almost everyone has experienced loss in some way. So I wanted to share a visual that is pretty popular in psychology, but can be helpful. (Swipe to see 3rd pic).

There is a box (life), with a ball (grief) and a button (pain). Right now, my 'ball' of grief is large, and it hits the pain 'button' pretty constantly. As I move through my day/life, my ball rattles and hits the damn button, pretty much nonstop. It often derails whatever I was intending to do. I have thousands of photos of her on my phone, so even opening up my photos (sometimes with intent to post here), hits that button. As you can imagine, this stage is exhausting.

I don't think the grief of a loss ever completely leaves us, but I do think it can be transmuted with time. And though the size of my grief is still large and overwhelming, it will become smaller. I'll be able to move through life without that button being pressed as often. 

I miss my sweet Bella so much. That emptiness will be hard to fill - but when I'm ready to move past this void, I want to fill it with the *right* things, people. I want to create from an intentional space, from the heart. More so than ever.

I have moments when that feels possible, so I will lean into it when those moments arise. 

Doing my best - which has felt severely lacking here. But hey... that butterfly phase? I hope you get to see it.