I’m high, laying facedown in his bed, he’s furiously making .. (OnlyFans)

I’m high, laying facedown in his bed, he’s furiously making out with my butthole. Why is intimacy so hard for me? Why is it as I’m pinned under him, my hips being held in place, unable to escape his invasion. I’m here typing this? It’s questions like these that send me spiraling. 

But the reason I’m here now, is because what’s about to happen next will require me to surrender in such a way that will force me to be present in a way I haven’t allowed myself to be in such a long time. 

For the last 45 minutes I’ve been hyper fixated on dissecting the evolution I’ve undergone that’s resulted in a version of me I’m truly proud of. Proud not because I’ve accomplished incredible feats, I’m proud because the version of me here writing this truly works itself to the bone to be the healthiest version of myself I can be. 

Below I’ve pasted the notes I’ve been working on describing that process. This post should not be seen. It should not be shared. It doesn’t exist. This never happened. These notes I wrote while high and having my hole assaulted please keep that in mind. 
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In my pursuit to become a version of myself driven by a desire to live with intention. A version that always seeks balance, always striving to become a healthier more supportive version of me, filled with compassion and empathy. A version that has forgotten how to hate and only knows forgiveness. The ways in which I’ve come to navigate conflict in relationships has continued to evolve as my understanding of what it means to love continues to deepen.

Below I outline the stages of evolution that changed how I sought resolution. Each version being driven by its own unique truth, reflecting inward, continually dissecting myself into smaller pieces, tracing my actions back to the source, the thoughts and feelings that ultimately resulted in me taking specific paths to finding myself.

Image
Knowing
Truth 
Authenticity
Peace
Hope
Pain
Limitations 

Driven by a need to be correct, valuing being right above the pursuit of fairness and equality. Seeing failure as a reflection of 

The earliest stage I can recall was driven by a need to be seen as right above all else. I felt being wrong would mean it was me who had made an error. Making a mistake I felt was directly correlated to my worth. Being wrong I worried would somehow cause others to think less of me and I needed to avoid that at all costs. 

So when they’d say something like, “I don’t feel like you’re listening to me.” That fear wod rove me to respond with, “Yes I am.”0

1an error meant response Being wrong would affect my worth. Lowering my value. I was so afraid to feel like less I let that fear drive me to