Diary entry: I look forward to a future with people who in.. (OnlyFans)

Diary entry: 

I look forward to a future with people who inspire happier poetry. For now I am a little Edgar Allen Hoe. I haven’t shared all my moody, dramatic poetry.  Although, to be honest I think my moody poetry is some of my best writing work. 🥀

I hope people enjoy them or become entertained by them whenever I do release all of them. They come to my mind like magic. I don’t really have any control over it. I don’t go out of my way to write under any specific writing prompts. 

Sometimes, I think my poetry is super depressing and awful… but then I look at Edgar Allen Poe’s writing and I think… eh, I’m not so bad. 😅

My past lover has inspired over 100 of these poems. I wish he wanted me to be happy and helped me towards that. I have no control over his life wants and I have to move on. I don’t want to get any more radical waiting for help he’s never going to give. This is no way to live. 😅🧚🏼 

He wants me to “stop talking shit about him” and that he would help if I would stop… I have waited 4 years. I’m writing these because he won’t help. 😑  in the ways I keep telling him I need help in… and it’s been years. I don’t want to wait another 4 years for help he’s never going to give. I want to grow and relax now. 

There’s just no more value in anything he says anymore. It’s getting easier and easier every day to let go since it’s getting harder and harder to get turned on by him. 

He knows we are over. I’m just waiting till my feelings catch up. I wash my dishes and have been packing my things instead of answering messages or streaming as much because he doesn’t believe in helping me out, so I have been slow and taking care of real life, trying to get out of this rut and manage my autism. I just don’t operate the same way other people do or understand a lot of things. 

I know once I get back on track I will make back all the money I deserve and live a loving, peaceful and carefree life. I don’t want to get married or date. It’s been… too much and I can’t afford the strezz and drama of boys trying to keep me to themselves with secret agendas… and pulling me in with worries when my stuff isn’t even close to being handled. I can’t afford the connections and I don’t want it. I can’t be the bad guy in anyone’s story if I’m not in anyone’s story. It’s much safer and easier this way. 

I told him I don’t love him anymore. There’s nothing to love. I told him I don’t want to be depressed and crazy anymore. The only way I can do that is to stop going to him or trying to rely on him for anything. 

Someone recently gave me a story about their deadbeat dad, and that her mom did everything to give him every opportunity to be a husband and a father for the kidz. He just… never showed up to spend time with his own kin or made any effort and refused to love on his own kidz. It never made any sense. 

Or he lied, pretended he was going to do more and made things even harder. She kept giving him opportunities until eventually she gave up. She dated other people till she found someone 10 times better that actually wanted to be a husband and father. The 1st man is still alone with his vices and will be for the rest of his life. His kidz won’t be visiting or caring for him when he’s alone and old… still trying to do the same things with people that just won’t want anything to do with him anymore …and he’s just gonna be the weird old man trying to play games thinking ‘he’s still got it.’ 🥴 the new man is well loved and will be looked after and cared for for the rest of his wonderful life. 

The mom and new man married and had a happily ever after with a huge family. 

It was a helpful story and I wish myself and others in the same position great love and strength to get to the next chapter. A real man brings clarity to the ones they love, not distractions, noise and more trouble. A real man lightens the load, not chooses to be a burden and add more burdens. I could never live a happy, loving, healthy and carefree life with this kind of person and they would never be a good father. I needed a good man. A best friend. Not my worst enemy. I needed good use of the sexiest years of my life. Not worst depression and distress daily. I wish you the best in whatever you’re doing that’s so much more important than me. 

#cindymoon #diary #journal #writing #express #poetry