I miss the days when I was easily turned on by Chad. It‘s .. (OnlyFans)

I miss the days when I was easily turned on by Chad. 

It‘s getting harder and harder to be attracted to him. 

It’s bad enough that he doesn’t help me with important stuff, I can’t take much more of being distracted with the worry over his well being.  

There’s nothing attractive about taking on more burdens when I never even get the help I need in the first place. There’s no point in fantasizing about a future with someone who’s going to be hospital-bound in less than 4 years waiting for lung transplants and loving someone who’s going to pass away in less than ten. 

He came over with some food since he heard I was feeling under the weather. Him vaping 50+ puffs of nicotine into my only space is making me sicker and I lost my will to stream again. It makes me wish he didn’t even bother coming over at all. I’m barely attracted to him anymore. Sacrificing all the money I could have made these past four years as well as my mental health and happiness hasn’t been worth it. Im getting more and more apathetic about what happens to him with each passing day. 

I know he doesnt care about helping me with work, making sure I’m happy or that he’s ruining my life making me worried sick and angry but I wish he would make changes for himself. 

I’m mourning my past years and i give up on thinking he’s ever going to change or make my life better. I look forward to being in a completely different place this time next year mentally and physically. I did more than anyone else he’s ever dated and I hope to be as willing to lose him as he is willing to lose me soon. I can’t afford to be around someone who vapes 50+ times an hour into my only space, litters my place with empty energy drink cans and makes me not want to take pictures or stream. It doesn’t matter if I wish he was worth it if he never will be. I want to be happy and I will never get that with him.

I pray for people who will add to my life more than they take from it. I know I deserve it all. I want people who make me happy and productive instead of being this weird oversharing bummer. I’ve been asking him to leave my keys and cards every single time he visits and I know that he knows he’s losing me. He still chooses nicotine, alcohol, porn, doing useless shit on the internet and energy drinks over me every day. 

I look forward to the day I wake up and want nothing to do with him anymore.

I wish I never helped him.