It is my fault for staying as long as I did. I am a lover .. (OnlyFans)

It is my fault for staying as long as I did. 
 
 I am a lover at heart. I got very attached. My heart was loyal even though I knew it was detrimental to work. I also didn’t feel right leaving someone just because their dick didn’t work. His story about having a dedbeat father also got to my heart. I was also afraid that if I left him he would smoke and drink himself to an early grave. No one else in his life was trying to stop him. 
 
 I couldn’t stop him anyways. 
 
 Im sure he has cancer… I can’t stand watching him do this to himself anymore. He’s been smoking about pack a day since he was 1 1. He learned it from his mom who wasn’t around much either. 
 
 This is too strezzful. I sincerely can’t deal with it. Nothing I say or do can stop him from smoking and vaping pr drinkingg 3 energy drinks a day. I can’t save him. 
 
 I cared very much. I was probably also afraid of being alone and never finding someone I would be this attracted to. 
 
 He was the most handsome man I’ve ever seen in my life. 
 
 I put him on a pedestal with the ideal version of him in my head hoping I could love him out of whatever dark hole he’s been in. He has helped and he gave me a lot of his time, some help and company even if wasn’t what I asked for. He has. I have to give him credit for that even if I had to pull teeth to get the occasional help. 
 
 He helped with renovation even though I told him it was more important that he give me a 2 minute blowie video. He did everything to avoid making love with me on camera. I don’t know what’s wrong with him and I don’t care anymore. If you’re not attracted to me then why did you make me be with you as if we were together? Someone who loves me wouldn’t keep me this strezzed for this long when all you needed to do was get a boner. I was good to you. I could have gotten us a house by now if you would just listen to me and help me 1 hour a day or even a week. But you won’t. I can’t do this anymore. He won’t have sex with me. I can’t do this anymore. 
 
 I need to find people to play with for work. He’s not worth going broke for. It doesn’t matter how much I loved him. 
 
 In his story, I’m the bad guy for distracting him from school. Im not trying to be the bad guy. I don’t want to blow up anymore. This angry, negative version isn’t the me I want to be. This just isn’t working. I can’t lose my followers over him. I don’t know why he can’t just listen to me and help out. I don’t want to live in strezz and anxiety anymore. I don’t know why he won’t help me where it matters. I don’t want to be working 16 hours on the phone anymore to take care of someone who doesn’t even care if I’ve eaten today or give me a vacation or birthday or Christmas. I don’t care if he didn’t have parents. I deserve better. 
 
 I don’t want to write essays on the internet anymore. 
 
 I don’t know all the reasons why I hung on for so long. I have things to work on myself. Im not perfect. I blow up and get angry when I can’t handle what’s on my plate all by myself. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I want someone who supports me and my passions and treats my followers well. If my followers don’t like him then I can’t do this and it’s not fair to them to see me so unhappy for so many years. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to see me happy. I haven’t honestly smiled in years. I don’t want to shrink for someone who doesn’t appreciate me. 
 
 I suppose I didn’t have the energy to try again elsewhere. I don’t think either of us are bad, but we both have poor people brain and were very pressed by different things. 
 
 I can’t help someone who isn’t watering my garden. No matter how much I do it’s never enough for him to help me. I just can’t afford to do this anymore. There are people relying on me, lives that depend on the money I bring in. Refugees. Orphans.
 
 I could have made 20k a month this whole time if he would just play with me on camera for a few minutes but he wont do it properly. I would have blown him every day to make 20k a month but he doesn’t want that even though he would benefit. I can’t deal with this insanity or stupidity. 
 
 I’m tired of feeling so ugly and helpless with him. I’m tired of helping him as much as I do and somehow I’m still the bad guy. I feel so stupid. This is hell for me and I deserve heaven. He wont make love with me, handle dinner on occasion or even hold the camera and play Instagram husband so I can get him a house or a new car. I don’t understand how stupid he can be, to hold content hostage and keep me this strezzed for this long. 
 
 I need a break and some time with a different kind of person. I’ve never had a real birthday celebration with him. No anniversaries. No dates. No breakfast in bed. No loving words. Just fighting fighting fighting. I can’t marry or have a family with someone who wouldn’t give me or a some mini me’s a birthday or Christmas. This whole time has been this weird blur and I kept hoping if I kept taking care of him he would eventually make it worth it. I suppose he’s still healing from his own things like a deadbeat father and his wife leaving him. I can’t save him. 
 
 I think if he actually loved me he would have taken me out on a date by now. I’m beyond confused, exhausted and angry. I just can’t do this anymore. I need peace and people who actually love me and want to see me succeed. I deserve it all. 
 
 #cindymoon #relationships #diary