I had a chick I was living with. We were doing the whole ga.. (OnlyFans)

I had a chick I was living with.  We were doing the whole gay thing.  She was excruciatingly attractive.  She didn’t look like she was gay.  She was.  Very gay.  She wanted to get married.  I didn’t.  She would let her pubes grow out and they would grow fast and thick.  She knew I didn’t like that.  It’s like eating popcorn, you always get something stuck in your teeth.  I would quit going down her they would get so thick.  So one morning she popped out of the shower and announced, “I shaved my pussy so you know what that means!”  I said, “yep, the drain is clogged again.”  True story.  Just saying.

Worst pickup line ever.  “My cat’s dead. Can I play with your pussy instead?”

Weddings.  I have been invited to another wedding.  I find them a complete waste of money.  They are just a super expensive way to announce that you will be getting bred that night.  I’m not going.  I just can’t stand to hang around that long and I don’t know them all that well. I can be a distraction if people find out what my career is and has been. It’s happened before.  I’m sure it will happen again. Not that I let that scare me into going to events.  If I want to go, I could not care less.  If I don’t, it’s a perfect excuse.  Thank you, universe, for letting there be a porn career get out of the slammer/events free card.

On Monday mornings, my brain boots up like a 15 yr old PC that frequents sketchy and questionable porn sites.  I’m just saying.  It’s hard to get going.  

I didn’t get laid this weekend.  He couldn’t get hard.  Idiots and their weed/booze.  I could not care less what you drink, smoke, snort, whatever.  Moderation my stumbling, mumbling, whiskey/week dick friends. I don’t get it. I don’t care.  I’m done with this guy and I enjoyed fucking him. He got so fucked up he could barely talk. If you can’t talk, the odds of your dick doing the talking for you are about nil.  His dick did no talking.  His car is still parked in front of my house as of this morning.  He never came and got it yesterday. I had to pay to send his dumb ass home via Uber all the way to Deltona. It’s the holiday season. I don’t have extra cash just lying around.  On top of it all, I got zero dick.  Zero.  The one thing in life I was looking forward to Saturday and the owner of said penis thought I would be impressed at how wasted he could get. I’m not impressed.  Not in the least. If he doesn’t get his car, I swear I’ll have it towed. I’m sure I won’t, but not because I don’t want to.  Oh well.  Poof, this guy is out of my life the second his car leaves my driveway.

Words to remember from Brooke. Friends are like boobs.  Some real, some fake.  I would say, I’m just saying, but I may overuse that phrase.

I don’t wear expensive jewelry.  I’ll break it, lose it, won’t remember that I’ll even have it.  Same with clothes, purses, shoes, all that crap.  I’d rather have the cracks in my porch repaired than own a pair of shit Jimmy Choo shoes, or whatever they are called.  Believe me, I don’t need expensive accessories to get laid.  I don’t need expensive shit to mingle with those who do.  A $30 pair of shoes looks just as good as a $3k pair of shoes does.  Why am I telling you this?  Because some guy who wants to give me expensive stuff asked what I wanted.  I told him thanks, but I don’t do the whole look at me, look at me, thing (people look at me without them, you know the whole massive boob thing).  Politely and not in those words. He kept pushing it.  I told him no thanks.  Still, he pushed and said to tell him what I wanted.  I gave in said OK, that new Samsung double oven freestanding range Model number S3284.  I made the model number up for creative purposes, but you get the point.  He got super angry. He said he meant things I wouldn’t normally by for myself.  Wtf? Why in the world would I want shit I wouldn’t normally by for myself? Do you know how much more use I would get out of a range than a pair of shoes?  Infinite. I would think of him every time I turned it on.  He would be basically immortal to me. Shoes?  I would wear them a few times for some pics.  Then they would sit in the closet until I gave them away or worse yet, threw them away. I guess that doesn’t fit the subservient mold that he wants.  He’s looking for a swimming pool chick.  What does that mean?  The chick he’s looking for costs an extraordinary amount of money to maintain, considering the very little amount of time he will spend inside her.  Do you want to make my snatch drip with gratitude? Fix my transmission.  I’ll suck your dick while you or whoever else may be doing it.  I am more concerned with my home’s integrity than I am with any pair of clothing/accessories/jewelry.  Every time I walk by a recent repair or upgrade to my home I get happy which means I get horny, which means somebody is getting the balls emptied in my guts.  See the correlation?  So, when you notice that I am not pushing a wishlist or soliciting expensive stuff, it’s because I find concrete, 2x4s, and the likes way sexier and Amazon doesn’t have a big selection.  Just saying.  Oops. Said it again.