Let me be personal and honest. The last couple of weeks ha.. (OnlyFans)

Let me be personal and honest. 

The last couple of weeks have been really tough. The UK is in national lockdown again. I’m feeling particularly isolated, my family live 50 miles away. But my car is in bits. (A project I wish I’d left for another year!) 

It’s also a year since my dad passed away from lung cancer. I was with him in the last moments in hospital, it was very hard and his breathing was so laboured. I’m not sure he could see us, or was that aware. I just held his hand. My brothers had gone to get a late night snack, and I’d just nipped out of the curtained bed to help calm another guy with dementia. I held his hand and kept saying, “It’s alright, it’s alright.” This man went so quiet, no one had seen him become so calm. He smiled, looked up at the ceiling and seemed to make an “ahh, yes ☺️“ sound.

 I then went back to my dad, and his breathing had stopped. And a shook him and said, “come on dad! Dad!” I ran in to the corridor and with the sound in my voice that only a time like this can produce I cried, please someone help. Nurses respond to that sound like a bairn to a mother and came straight away. He’d passed away while I was helping the man. And I was distraught. 

My brothers returned and were obviously sad, but I my reaction was something I didn’t expect. So visceral and emotional outpouring. 

A year later that moment still lives so vividly in me. They say that they tend to pass once loved ones have left, like they hold on to spare loved ones from the moment. Some say maybe my dad heard my voice saying to this man “it’s alright” and it was like I was giving him permission to finally relax and pass. I well up and get a frog in my throat when I think or talk of this. 

My mental health hasn’t been great the last week. Such sadness in me. Everyday a struggle. But I don’t want to give up, I’m not afraid of death: but I do want to keep living. My body and my mind don’t make it easy sometimes, but even recalling the sad emotions of grief help me feel that alive; they’re feelings; needing and experiencing feelings is one sure way of knowing your alive. 

Normal service will resume soon.